it’s march. something i’m having trouble accepting. i got out here March 31st of last year, so aside from three months i came back to Massachusetts i’ve spent an entire season in Taos, New Mexico.
don’t get me wrong. things are going great. i have a roof over my head and a job that pays the bills. great friends, done plenty of artwork, got a spot in an awesome gallery, and people are interested in doing a residency with me. but life has a funny way of making you feel strangely when things should feel fantastic.
if i am forced to say it out loud, i call myself the cynical psychic. i read cards, i like to look at them for perspective on life, but i don’t think of it as the end all be all. some people look at a reading as a self fulfilling prophecy. and when dark cards appear i’ve had friends warn me to ‘not be negative’ or to ‘not to let it color your outlook’.
and to be honest, lately i’ve felt unattached. i haven’t been able to get into readings, astrology, or any of the esoteric coping mechanisms i’ve cultivated and feel attached to. i’m in a astral rut.
when i did my year reading on the winter solstice i got the nine of swords for the month of march. darkness, worry, anguish. i looked at it. acknowledged it. and took it with a grain of salt. i have power over my life. i have the power to not hit rock bottom if everything is going well.
i pulled cards for myself two more times since, asking “what should i prepare myself for?” the first time i got the five of wands for the present - the card i pulled for the month of february, and for the future i got the ten of swords- darkness. rock bottom. ruin. i pulled cards a couple weeks ago and got a similar message: ten of swords, nine of swords, and five of swords- self-destruction.
three different decks. three different times. and the message only got clearer. i better brace myself for a bit of a funky month. but at the same time i also told myself it could be a bunch of BS.
so then i pulled them out. i put them on my altar. just to really face them. these were (in my opinion) the “worst” cards in the deck. i always had people get funny over the Death and Devil card, but i assured them that they weren't that bad- the swords really held the darkest messages of the tarot. there was something important i needed to learn from these cards, or else they wouldn’t have shown themselves so often. and i was no stranger to darkness…
...it just seemed odd. i was no stranger to darkness. but i didn’t feel its heavy weight pushing up on me, like it normally would when i was dancing with rock bottom. was i in denial? was i blind? was i making too much out of nothing?
i even had a friend over and as we stayed up late talking & pulling tarot i admitted the distance i was feeling with the cards. and how these three dark cards kept showing their face. i nodded to where they sat with my crystals and candles, and explained their foreboding message.
“take them down. put them back in the deck.”
he said something about not filling my head with negativity. or having them color my perception. and while i appreciated the sentiment and for a moment thought about putting them back. i stopped. darkness is an unpleasant feeling, but it is a part of the spectrum of life. and pushing that darkness into the back only makes it stronger.
also i began to wonder- was this really the darkness, ruin, self-destruction, and anguish i once knew? or was this the final call to evaluate all my weaknesses, my vices, i have held onto for so long and cut them from my life? i have been constantly trying to remove what is no longer serving me for a while, but some things are just embedded so deeply it’s hard to separate. and some things you hold onto out of comfort. like sugar. sugar is great. until it makes you crash halfway through the day.
so we shall see what this month has in store. there is a lot of light, but perhaps i need to cut ties with the dark to truly move forward.