April Roadtrip

there is something completely satisfying about disposable camera pictures and the nothingness that is the middle of the country.

life has been strange this year. somehow it's already almost may. somehow all my goals and plans completely shifted and i've had to remain open and flexible. somehow i am facing things i never thought i'd have to. and yet i'm on the most perfect path.

so when a friend mentioned he had to get his dog from Illinois, i jumped at the opportunity to leave new mexico and clear my head a bit.

Missouri, april 7 2016

sunrise. Colorado, april 8 2016

sunrise. Colorado, april 8 2016

sunrise. Colorado, april 8 2016

Colorado, april 8 2016

Colorado, april 8 2016

Colorado, april 8 2016

Colorado, april 8 2016

stuff mindfulness

like everyone else, i’ve been trying to come up with my goal for 2016. eat healthy, drink water, hike more, spend less time on facebook. obviously i’m not too different from anyone else. however i wanted at least one big thing to stick to. some kind of challenge. and in the first two weeks of being back in Taos, settling into my new room, it became blatantly clear.

stuff. being mindful about stuff was going to be my personal challenge this year.

i got back with a trunk full of useful things from the Northeast. books. jars. kitchen stuff. art supplies. only a small portion of the things i had horded into my parents basement. my two months back there had me pouring over these things, figuring out what was useful and what was excessive.

there was a time and a place where i was spending a lot of “extra” money on things. clothes. books. furniture. i was consuming to try and fill something that was missing inside of me. i was consuming because i was trying to create a home that i wanted. but maybe i was trying to force it. because in the past year i realized a home in Massachusetts wasn’t necessarily what i was looking for. and stuff wasn’t going to make me happy- just more stressed out.

my Worcester apartment, right before i left for New Mexico.

so now i’m in Taos, with two jeep-fulls of stuff i lugged across country. and after helping a friend of mine clear out his storage unit and pair down his life, suddenly i acquired more stuff. which was very useful. saved me from buying furniture for my new room. i got some cool hand-me-down clothes. but it was still more stuff.

i want to have a home in Taos. a piece of land and a place i know i can always come back to. i know i want a tiny home. i already know i thrive and excel in a small living space. i resonate well with the ideals of simplifying, and minimizing what you need and enjoy in life.

so while i know i can’t get all the money needed to have a tiny home in 2016 (at least not without some kind of generous gifts), i can start laying the hypothetical foundation for it. i can pair down my life. i can stop spending money on stuff. i have acquired enough. and anything else i may need beyond that usually turns up.

i’m still working out the rules and restrictions but it should shape up for an interesting journey.

Eight of Swords and a dose of reality

late July I hopped on a plane, said a momentary goodbye to my beloved New Mexico, and went back to Massachusetts for a quick visit. once my feet touched the pavement it was almost as if i never even left. an odd statement, considering how now it was warm and humid, and when i left there was still a solid 3 feet of snow on the ground. was it all a dream?

so far a lot of my tarot spread for the year had been true. i’ve been asked a few times if i really believe in this stuff. deep down, definitely (allowing for misreads, mistakes, and interference of course). out loud, i can’t be so sure. but regardless, I think it is a unique way for you to be presented with a series of images, and meanings that can trigger you to think of whatever you are going through in a different way. so perhaps it’s not so much like fortune telling, but reflection. as the saying goes hindsight is 20/20.

the only month, so far, i cannot agree with is July, the Hermit. while i was presented with a lovely opportunity to get involved in learning from the herbalist/astrologer i was doing a work trade for, i feel like i spent a lot of time with others. shirking quiet moments in order to fully live my summertime here in Taos with the lovely group of transient friends i had found. perhaps this is where my life went off track. perhaps it was just the way things were suppose to go. regardless i have no regrets.

when i saw the Eight of Swords for August it was too eerily true. this was the month i had to be back in Massachusetts. the Seven of Swords suggests feeling trapped, questioning why you are in the place you are, and what is it that keeps you here. when planning this trip i knew i had to be back for my cousin's wedding. in the beginning of 2015 i assumed this to be about my return home. feeling stuck in Massachusetts. as time got closer and i decided to stay out in the southwest the Eight of Swords meaning became unclear. was i going to feel stuck in my three week stay back east, or was it in fact talking about feeling stuck once i returned to New Mexico?

Scorpio is a fixed sign. even with their dark fascination with destruction, change is something they resist. this resonates perfectly with me. i don’t mind new situations but the in between moments never sit well. once back in the northeast for the first three weeks i was in love all over again (in the way that new experiences do). the rose colored glasses were on. i was surrounded by all the people i loved and wished i could pack up in my suitcase and take with me. i got to spend time with people i wish i had gotten to know better before i left. i was working at the Crompton again. I read Tarot for the first time at the Canal District Farmers Market and it was a hit.

i knew Taos wouldn’t be the same when i got back. i didn’t really know what was in store for me. there was comfort here. suddenly i worried the Eight of Swords was about going back to the place i fell for. i told myself it would be fine. it was just that resistance to change. it was comforting and lovely here because it was a reunion. a visit. i would be just as tired and fed up as i was in March if i stuck around here.

then an unforeseen tragic event happened to my friends who are my family. i had to stay behind. i rescheduled my flight to be pushed back a week so that i could be there for them. i made that commitment because life is hard and unfair and sometimes all you can do is be a shoulder to cry on for those who you love.

within the first three days since i made the decision to stay i had a moment of overwhelming emotion. the situation was intense. death always is. i tend cope with my feelings by running. avoiding. something i’ve gotten better at, but it’s still the first reaction. i was hoping being faced with the end of life would put the previous things i was upset by onto the back burner. put them into perspective. it didn’t. was this the Eight of Swords? why did i stay?
 

after that first moment of doubt, things became clearer. this was life. this was growing up. being faced with intense emotional moments that you can’t change or make better. you just have to be. you help the ones you love no matter what. because they will do the same for you. we have too strong a desire to ‘fix’ things, and sometimes all you can do is ride it out.

once my flight touched down in Albuquerque i felt a level of excitement, hope, and love as i looked out at the warm tan sands that seemed to go on forever. dots of sagebrush, an awkward grey-blue-green color, broke up the landscape. and that lovely deep blue sky watched over us all.

i remember thinking that the landscape here makes me happy, even if everything else is going wrong. which is something the Northeast doesn’t always do for me.

things were different when i got back. it wasn’t the warm happy summer i had left. some of my friends were here and tired, needing a change of scenery. some old friends recently returned, but were also facing a harsh sense of reality. we needed to find jobs. we needed to find homes. the summer was over. and september wasn’t going to be any easier than august.

I still don’t know what the Eight of Swords was about. I want to stay, but i also want to leave. everything reassures me that i have to just go with the flow. each day has had moments of ups and downs. i go back and forth on whether i stick it out here for a winter, or go back to what i know, and try again with New Mexico early next year. I want it to work out here, but i don’t know.

only time can tell. best to remain flexible, and open to the universe.

a hundred days

wanna say i’m sorry.

but i’m not.

at the beginning of this year i was fed up and angry. i felt like i hit a block. i felt like everything i tried wasn’t making me happy. i was working like a maniac. i had all the jobs i thought would bring me happiness. i had a lovely apartment that spiraled into a nightmare. i was at a loss.

the only thing that kept me from slipping into darkness was this summer trip to New Mexico.

i started on the spring equinox. the day after the new moon. first day of the zodiac. in the year of my favorite number: fifteen. it was in the planets. after eleven days of travel i ended up in Taos.

one hundred days later, i have to admit i’m not leaving.

Friends in Mouna's Kitchen. photo credit: Layla Joon

Bluegrass Jam. Photo credit : Layla Joon

its not forever. its just until it runs its course. because if you stick anywhere long enough things get old and tired. and if you’re lucky enough to be an independent spirit (which isn’t for everyone) you can get up and go when you’ve gotten all you can from a place. this isn’t to say that i’ve sucked everything i could gain out of my Massachusetts, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. it was a tricky decision to stay out here, to leave my loves: my family, my friends, my community in worcester that kept me sane. but i know it is only a temporary distance. especially since i’ll be shooting back out there for three weeks at the end of the month. and i’d like to go back once more before 2015 is over.

but my happiness is what makes me stay. i am someone who has suffered with depression and anxiety for almost half my life. to go somewhere and leave that behind is literally a weight off my shoulders. i know it will creep back, maybe sooner, maybe later. that's my dark side. like most artists. but to have it be relieved by an environment is groundbreaking. perhaps it's newness. perhaps i was meant to find this place. regardless it is something i can't let go of.

out here i am given time to make art, explore, exist. i am learning astrology and herbal medicine from a woman who has dedicated her life to it. i am an apprentice. then on top of that i am making art. i got my first serious freelance job, and i have time to dedicate to it. i’m not cramming it in around a 50 hour work week. everything is lining up in a way that makes me feel good about sticking around for a little longer.

so let the journey continue, and we shall see where it does.

Face Your Limits

it’s official. i’ve been in New Mexico for a month. time really does fly.

i don’t really know where to begin, besides how amazing it is to disconnect from the hectic east coast life. to have terrible cell phone reception and internet connection. to say ‘sorry, i miss you, i’m okay, but i just can’t talk right now’. i know it drives my family crazy, but i just love not being reached. it allows you to really exist.

my days when i got to Arroyo Seco felt like they went on forever without scrolling mindlessly through the interwebs. unfortunately that didn’t last. now they fly by. i’m waking up early, staying up late, and still not getting everything done in the day that i want.

but that’s okay.

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finally living my tiny house dreams in the staff trailer i am staying in.

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got to do some watercolors of the Pioppino mushroom we grew at SnowMansion

I envisioned this trip to be super productive. I was going to garden. learn about herbs. do yoga and meditation. i was going to make art. i was going to finally memorize the tarot deck. i was going to make things to sell. and send everyone mail. I wasn’t working a 50+ hour week. I had time.

when i got to the hostel, i hit the ground running. i planted a whole bunch of seeds and made soil. i dug irrigation ditches. i cleaned out the cabin i was staying in. dishes. i did. so. many. dishes. i organized the massive free pile in the common space. all in the first two days.

day three someone had a cold and everyone was starting to get sick. i went into the camp kitchen to make tea, and didn’t notice a pot had been boiling on the stove for so long it had made the kettle hot. i put cold water into it and the steam burnt both my hands. it wasn’t the worst, but it was pretty bad.

“watch out for your hands”

before i left i had my tarot cards read, and the woman slipped that in, in the middle of all the travel/new beginnings/spiritual learning talk. at the time i kind of brushed it off. I made sure i had gardening gloves. I put hand lotion on. but the moment my hands started to burn in the steam those words came rushing back.

My biggest mistake was trying to work through it, even as my hands ached, blistered, and peeled. Motivated by both an inability to stop working and this anxiety that i wasn’t doing enough. this was a lesson. this was life telling me to stop, slow down, and evaluate.

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i wasn’t drawn here for the reasons i thought. i was brought here to learn a lesson i had been putting off for years. to learn my limits. to face living with difficult personalities. to realize my needs. to look out for myself. to know when to stop. i’ve recognized these bad habits, but i didn’t fix them.

but there is always time to learn.

Soul Searching

I just embarked on a eleven day trip cross country to spend the summer working on a garden in a hostel called SnowMansion in Arroyo Secco, New Mexico. I took my best friend Kim, packed up all my belongings, quit my job, and moved out of my Worcester apartment to experience the great unknown and really experience parts of this gigantic country i really have yet to see. a change I greatly needed.

right now, I haven’t even gotten to my final destination; the place i will be calling home for the next three months. a break was needed. I packed up my entire life the week before i left, which turned into this chaotic experience of sorting through what i was taking with me, putting into storage, and just leaving behind without remorse. and while i did this, i dotted in heart-wrenching goodbyes to people i’ve grown to love in the past few years and i’d miss greatly in the next 3 months. I thought i didn’t connect with people in my post-college years in Central Mass, and boy was I wrong. Leaving was really what it took for me to take stock in the little community i created around myself in my most productive years in Worcester.

a coffee shop a friend of mine worked at while he lived in Santa Fe became an important place for me to unwind.

so here i sit, the day after dropping my friend Kim off in the Albuquerque airport, in Iconik, a coffee shop I quickly made a home base while in Santa Fe, just trying to take a deep breath, before moving on to the next step. because if this trip has taught me anything, it’s that i need to slow down and enjoy the moments right in front of me.

We left on March 21st, the first full day of spring, first day of the new Zodiac cycle, the day after a New Moon in Pisces and a total solar eclipse. It seemed like the best way to start off on this new chapter of my life. the best way to let go of the past and open up to something new. we said goodbye to my parents, and hit the road. we were excited. energized. and working on only a couple hours of sleep. in our excitement we took a wrong turn for about two hours and ended up back in New York, costing us 4 hours, but we went with it. it was an adventure. it was a lesson in letting go.

We saw many amazing things, met some amazing people, and experienced disappointment as well. some places meet or even exceed everything you thought about them, and some places really aren’t what you expect.

I began writing out each day, and it quickly became too long of a post. I was rambling and by day five i had written out over three pages. I didn’t even get to New Mexico. And I really should hit the road so i can really, leisurely experience the drive up to Taos. Proofreading is key, and I guess I need to break it up into smaller chunks, so everything that needs to be said, is said. Plus I realized I left my phone in the car, and things really heat up down here between 11 and 5.

my Jeep day 2 in Shepherdstown, WV

A lot of people said I was crazy to pack up my old 2000 Jeep Cherokee, with all its electrical quirks (no horn, drivers side window is broken, blinker sticks) and terrible gas mileage. But it was worth the risk; I spent much less on gas than I had planned, and while I am terrified of there still being car troubles in the future (I did buy it durring Mercury in Retrograde 2014) it was an amazing lesson in taking risks and action.

If you ever get the opportunity to leave everything behind, and to get up and go, just do it. life isn’t worth anything if you don’t truly live it.

Natural Magic

Horoscopes were the gateway for me.

From a young age i enjoyed reading about the different signs and the traits associated with them. I loved birthday books that went into the nitty gritty of your personality based on the day you were born. I identified with my sign and birthday and this helped illuminate the strengths of my personality as well as what I had to keep in check. it was a way to figure out how to understand different personalities and how they could work together.

From there it just kind of spiraled.

I got into natal charts, and more in-depth Astrology.  I became interested in herbs and stones, and the traits associated with them. I started looking to the sky with full moons, and other astrological anomalies and how that effects your life on a day to day level. I started reading tarot, celebrating seasonal based holidays, lighting candles, mediation, and making spell bottles and pouches. I made my own rituals. I kept a journal of all this information, as well as a calender of personal events matched up with Astrological anomalies. it became a way to process the world. and honestly its not rooted in occult witch-worshiping but more on health, wellness, and the power of thought. it was a way to better myself. it was a way to cope with hardship.

It was an easier thing for me to digest than organized religion, because i was never brought up in a Christian/Jewish/Hindu/etc. household. I grew up playing in the woods, helping my mom grow herbs, and going on hikes. the Wilderness was my guide.

and as i became more open about my interest, the more people began to express they had one as well. crystals are getting big. i've had people ask me if i could do readings for them, or teach them about the cards. there's a Juice Bar in NYC that has roots in herbal medicine. there is a witchy/occult aesthetic in some hipster sub-cultures that goes beyond the Hot Topic Goth of the early 2000s or angry Black Metal kids. and in our digital age it makes sense that people want to unplug and reconnect with the magic of the natural world we've evolved along side of for thousands of years.

intuition is key.

which is why i have a hard time explaining things in words. I don't deal with Natural Magic in words, and whenever i do it seems hokey. I deal with it on a visual level, because that's how i see the world. you have to open yourself up to what you are drawn to, tapping into that moment of what your eye first settles on. to not over think it. but when you are dealing with other humans you need to know how to communicate in words.

I've wanted to start blogging not only communicate my life as an artist, but to fill a void in the internet. i spent hours looking for a blog to be inspired by, to help me get my thoughts into words, and i couldn't quite find one. everything was too cheezy, it didn't do the beliefs justice. and i know i'm not the only one looking for this.

so when you can't find what you're looking for, you create it.