And I love their love and I am thankful
That someone actually receives the prize that was promised
By all those fairy tales that drugged us
And they still do me, I'm sick, lonely
No laurel tree, just green envy
Will my number come up eventually?
Like love is some kind of lottery
- Bright Eyes, Waste of Paint
i know how it feels to be a weird, funny, smart and yet unloveable soul.
it’s not that i actually am unloveable, but it feels that way sometimes. some days i am able to look at it from its most perfect angle - i have actually been lucky. i have felt love from a variety of individuals, maybe even more than most. but we just were not meant to be. it could be why i have had such a great success rate of lovers transitioning to friends afterwards. they care, but usually because of the weird workings of life, we just cant be.
which on a bad day feels like i am unloveable. and i know so many talented, wonderful female friends of mine, who feel just like this.
i’ve come up with my own rational. to not hide from love anymore. to embrace it when it comes even if it may be fleeting. i never dreamed of finding the ‘one’. of a dramatic wedding. starting the perfect family. that gives me more flexibility.
the only thing i need to worry about is slipping into lies i tell myself. you have to take everything at face value. you can’t force your own desires onto the words they speak. thats the danger in any relationship: friends, family, romantic, platonic.
i know the key is loving yourself. which can be hard when you see (what feels like) everyone around you pairing up. finding their ‘better half’. having a shoulder to cry on that they can count on. i have worked on loving myself during my long-term ‘single’ life. and even being aware of that, when a lover comes along i slip. it’s not something i have much experience with. honestly it brings out the worst in me.
so then i beat myself up.
was it the fact i put myself out there, over and over, reassuring him i'd help. but once we were in the midst of it i started being catty, nagging him about the whole thing. every stop. how i was sick of driving. did that chase him away?
was it going out for drinks after an emotional day and finding myself fading in and out of delirium while crying hysterically in his bed later that night, for reasons i can’t remember but know have something to do with all the unrelated emotional stress i’ve bottled up all week? Was i being too emotional and that caused us to loose touch?
was it my general intensity and passion for life right off the bat, what i thought was great between us but he felt intimidated?
was it that i have a terrible memory, horrible use of the english language, and in general not being as intelligent that caused him not to fall for me?
four separate instances. four separate people. and all of those things are just irrational doubts that my brain cooks up. perhaps i was being a bitch to the first one, but three days of tension was not what made him leave. perhaps i was being emotional, but that wasn’t why things didn’t work out with the second. i am intense, and passionate, so if that was the issue with the third, than we just aren’t comparable in that way, but the real reason wasn’t as simple as that. and the last, i know we just weren't looking for the same thing out of life.
it happens. it hurts. but don’t stop trying.
i can say this to myself. hell, as of lately i’ve felt more and more okay with the idea of going it alone. but i never know what to say to my beautiful lovely lady friends who feel the same way.
because if someone is deserving of you, if someone is meant to be your life partner you can’t settle, and they will love you and help you at any point of weakness. three days of nagging won’t make the one you’re meant to be with leave. or a drunken, emotional night. or intensity and passion. or not having a way with words.
and i want to say there is someone for everyone, but i can’t. i don’t know if i believe that. i don’t think using that as reassurance is healthy. because you’re just feeding yourself that damn fairy tail we’ve all been brought up on.
what i can say is to build a strong sense of self love. of purpose. its human to feel lonely. its human to want another to share the world with. but even without a lover, you have friends. you have potential lovers. and more importantly you have yourself. once you get that on track (which i’m still trying after three years of hard work) i feel you just maybe there is a better chance of attracting that someone.
and if not, at least you can love yourself.
maybe we are just too strong for the typical mate. but don’t loose hope. because being an unlovable intense force of passion and independence beats a unfulfilled life of settling for whomever and basic existence any day.